I actually loathed fair-weather friends….partly in fact because they seemed to go in and out relationships while I stayed single. But Chris was an overall nice guy..and he did have nice German backpacker friends so he was worth keeping around…even if he was somewhat selfish at times. Chris told me about his last boy, a young Canadian student who had just returned home and left him broken hearted. I guess love that starts at Stonewall does not last forever. He was voying never again to go out with any more Canadians. He had been broken hearted by a maple leaf carrying backpacker a few years ago.

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Thomas was visiting from Munich for a few weeks after spending some time in Japan. He was the shortest German I had met ever..but he was blonde…and had a cute accent. He was impressed with the muscle gallery on show at the Tilbury. I attempted to impress him with my limited and naughty German. The Austrian had taught me how to say various sexual roles in German. Looking for Hengst (tops) was a suggestion for some t-shirts! Thomas was very interesting…well travelled, educated and chatty…a typical European. I could not help but get excited about the prospect of being surrounded by Europeans soon….blonde, educated…tick..tick..if only we could do something about the height.

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My friend Dan sent me a text message saying he had bumped into Deli Man at Stonewall. I was a bit surprised. Deli Man exists outside of his deli? Later, I got another text message saying Dan had been kissed by Deli Man. My pseudo crush was cheating on me! Apparently he was there with someone else..Deli Man was not single….hmm..I would have to find another crush. They say that when you do not sleep for more than a few days you start hallucinating. When you have been single for more than five years, you start hallucinating boyfriends and dreaming of your perfect man. My hallucinations come in the form of daydreams and crushes…it can be during a meeting…or on my way to work…where I start thinking about this perfect man…and our perfect relationship. The man of my dreams has an aura but no face…his identity can sometimes take the form of my current crush. I have been developing crushes for a few months now…I’m starting to regress into a pathetic school girl. First it was David. Then it was Deli Man. Now, I have a crush on a fellow yet nameless blogger in Melbourne. Is it just my way not to deal with reality? Are we all living in singlehood denial? And can our perfect relationships only exist in our dreams? I would have to investigate further…and possibly sleep on it.

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I am going on nine weeks without sex. My friends are starting to think that I have joined the nunnery. As more time passes and the drought continues..I am starting to feel like an untouchable. Dates: 0. Blind dates: 0. Internet dates: 0…Internet sex dates:0. Online messages:0. Is there something wrong with me? Have I accidentally ticked that I am a transsexual (not that there is anything wrong with that) on my internet profile? Do I smell? Or have bad breath? Or have I really become a dating untouchable?

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Maybe my untouchable side come out because I attended an engagement party the night before. Engagements are the ultimate celebration of self-validation: someone likes me so much that they want to spend the rest of their life with me. It was full of couples…in various stages of commitment: dating, engaged, married, and married with children. As the only single person there…I was made to feel as an incomplete individual…as though somehow lacking a significant other made me part of a lower caste. Many people base so much of their self-esteem on what others think of them…how they love them, how they like them…and why they want to be with them. Everyone likes to be liked…and when we are not desired or in this case touched…we think something is wrong…we challenge our self-worth and start feeling isolated and like a leper. But is this the case? Do we actually need to be liked in order to like ourselves?

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